Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring