Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
This is so me 😂😂
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.