I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.