annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Whoa… oh I see lol
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.