friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
🤣🤣💀
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome