Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I found your tweet-up…
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.