Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
the greatest twitter interaction
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does