[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Love this one 😂🧟
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*