[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
me 2 months after i graduated
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.