oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
wait.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience