10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.