My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
What kind of a cult is this?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*