Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me