[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
im all 3