Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Where is your GOD now????
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’