My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.