Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
You Might Also Like
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
checking out some reviews of my local library
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
What kind of a cult is this?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.