She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Nice try, poison.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.