I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”