the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.