Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
You Might Also Like
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
584.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.