“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything