medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You Might Also Like
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.