I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Yes, this is exactly right
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i wish i could marry a nap
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.