Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.