What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!