SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.