The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
You Might Also Like
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂