So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
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He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.