The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story