I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy