Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
😏😏😏
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Lmfaoooooo
Warm pools make me nervous.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?