If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,