This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
me and who
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”