[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?