[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Great acting.. 😂
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
next level snooze
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE