BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*