waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.