“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.