I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.