“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
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How鈥檚 your Saturday going?
I鈥檒l go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don鈥檛 have a dog.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[leaving a birthday party with my pi帽ata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it鈥檚 no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Whenever I鈥檓 upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That鈥檚 right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it鈥檚 possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don鈥檛 kid yourself
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Ladies, it鈥檚 2019. Don鈥檛 wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don鈥檛 release them until he goes on a second date.
My toxic trait is telling people I鈥檓 down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there鈥檚 nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
yeah not falling for this one
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”