Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you