Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I think about this a lot
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away