“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
OKAY DAD
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.