Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
ok like just. call me at this point
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!