A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
You Might Also Like
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.