Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I only eat vegetarians.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying