Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law