HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this