I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping